Project IF

Here's a link about Project IF

I'm going to participate because I feel like this is a great opportunity to spread awareness.

"What if the job I've always dreamed of doing and loved is now the greatest reminder of my infertility?"

From the time I decided to become a nurse I knew I wanted to work in women's health. It's something I'm very passionate about. I feel like educating women and being a resource for them allows future generations to make better decisions. A child's well-being is greatly influenced by a mother's decisions. If we educate women today, they can make better choices for their children.

I have been in women's health now for over a year. The first year was like the honeymoon phase. It was all I ever dreamed it would be. I looked forward to going to work everyday. I loved what I was doing. I simply couldn't get enough of my job. I talked about it endlessly.

And then. Something small changed. I experienced my first miscarriage. It was hard. I moved on and threw myself into work. I wasn't as happy at work but I still enjoyed it. I still talked about it incessantly.

It started off so small. Just a little piece of me that wasn't as happy.

March 17th was an amazing day. I got a positive on a home pregnancy test. That Friday I had my beta HCG drawn and it came back wonderfully. The second beta was even better.

It was total and complete bliss for 4 weeks. We were so happy. I mean, smiling from ear to ear, want to shout it from the roof top, over the moon happy. We started narrowing down names. Zach made our first baby purchase. I read about my pregnancy every week. Our families were thrilled. They called to check on me frequently. My mom started talking to the baby via my belly. It was just pure unadulterated happiness.

April 7th change our lives forever. We were so excited before our ultrasound. I admit, I was extremely nervous. My morning sickness had subsided and I had started spotting brown. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for another miscarriage. Zach reassured me while we were in the waiting area that everything was going to be fine.

Everything was not fine. My Dr. brought his partner in. They both agreed that my worst fears had come true. I had an ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube. The pregnancy had progressed too far to do methotrexate shots and required surgery the following morning.

I was scared to death. I was heartbroken. I was completely overwhelmed. I just wanted to go back to the blissful happiness that we had been experiencing since the beginning.

I had surgery on April 8th and the doctor had to remove my entire tube. The tube itself wasn't healthy before the pregnancy. We had no way of knowing until after this surgery. The baby itself was healthy. This didn't happen because our baby wasn't healthy. This happened because MY tube wasn't healthy.

Physically, I've healed very well. My incisions are almost completely healed. I feel better physically.

Emotionally, it's been one hell of a ride. The first week I cried a lot. I was so sad about loosing our baby and about loosing my tube.

I went back to work a little over a week after my surgery. There hasn't been one single day at work where I haven't cried. The job I loved so much is now one of the most constant reminders that I don't have my own baby yet.

It is a constant struggle to be there each day. I get to work and count down the hours until I can go home. I don't get the same joy from work that I did before. I don't even talk about work any more.

I'm in the process of finding a different job but it scares me to death to leave the one thing that I knew that I loved.

Now for a positive "what if?"

"What if I can find renewed joy and peace in a new job?"
A job means little if I don't have my husband and my family supporting me. A new job will help to heal me. I believe that finding a new job will help me be happier overall. I hope that finding joy and peace within a job and moving away from this bad situation renews my sense of self. I hope it strengthens my relationship with my family and my husband. I hope that the day that we do have our child, I will be happy with every aspect of my life. I hope that my child grows up seeing a mother that enjoys what she does and understands that hard work and doing something you love gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

To learn more about infertility please go here http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

To support NIAW please go here http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

To learn more about this specific project please visit here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/