I'm Back

So I've decided that my break is over and it's time to blog about the past few days.

First of all let me start with my job stress. As some of you know, I work as a labor and delivery nurse. I work for a hospital that went through a major merger January 1st, 2009. I started with the hospital a short 19 days into the merger. From day 1 of my job I have had to adapt to many changes. I feel like I've done a pretty great job at that. The only thing certain is the unknown. There have been rumors floating around for years about what would happen when this merger took place. Within the past six months the rumors have taken on speed and have had very serious implications for my fellow co-workers and myself. Last Thursday we had a mandatory staff meeting where all of the latest information was shared with us. As of November 1st, the birthing center and nursery at the Ft. Thomas hospital will be closed. Then in the spring of 2011, the Florence birthing center and nursery will close as well. The goal is to move all births to the Edgewood location and open a level III NICU, which once it is complete is going to be amazing!

For me this means that there is a very real possibility of being displaced from my current position in labor and delivery. I will not be actually losing my job but I could be placed onto another unit. I am still processing this and trying my best to remain positive. I have always wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse. I got extremely lucky in the fact that I was hired into this area straight out of school. As it seems, my luck has changed. I am praying that whatever decision is made, I will be happy with my job. I am going to be so sad to leave all of my co-workers. I may have only worked with them for 9 short months but a lot of them are amazing and so insightful. They provide excellent care to our patients and have taught me a tremendous amount of information. I hope they all know how wonderful of an experience it has been for me.

Let's move on to the TTC topic. I am sitting here trying to decide on where to start. Honestly, I just don't know. I don't know how long I thought we'd be immune to it but none of our closest friends have children yet. Last Thursday some friends of ours announced they were pregnant. I can say that I cried. At the time I just felt really jealous. Now I couldn't be more than happy for them. They are going to be amazing parents.

When I came off birth control, Zach and I were not exactly "trying" to have a baby but we obviously weren't preventing getting pregnant either. Somewhere between here and there I came up with this stupid goal of when I'd like to be pregnant by. I am ashamed to admit that my goal was out of fear for a "what if". I wanted to be the first to be pregnant out of all of our friends. I didn't want to have to feel like a bad person or a terrible friend for not being over joyed with the news of another couple expecting a baby. I now realize setting that goal was such a stupid thing to do. I'm human and I'm allowed to feel however I feel.

I have given up on all goals and am letting go and letting God. All along I have said it is up to God but honestly I've tried to hold on to the control of this whole thing. So now when I say it, I'm going to mean it. I am going to enjoy the time I have with Zach, my family, and my friends before our lives are blessed with a child. I am going to try my best not to fret over each and every cycle and symptom. I am simply letting it go.

I am feeling a lot less stressed out than I have in at least a month, maybe longer.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I plan on using the blog until we announce a pregnancy as a sort of journal and an outlet for my feelings. I can't promise that things will be pretty but they will be real and from my heart.

Have a great Tuesday!